bigtips

August 4 2000 GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE

How can I catch up on cards and gifts for past milestones?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Hi gang. I know you're used to thinking of me as the eternally burbling font of all sorts of answers, but everyone has their moments of deep stumpedness, and I've been having one lately.

I have about a bazillion relatives, and they're marrying like crazy and popping out kids like they're Pez dispensers. I used to be so good at remembering birthdays, and getting cards out, but then there started being more and more birthdays, then christenings and showers and weddings and Christmas gifts for the kids-augh!

Anyway, I missed a few along the way, and I'm feeling tortured by the guilt. I can't even remember exactly who's weddings I've missed, and some of my friends' kids are about to start school, not having been "showered" by me. Sigh.

are, presumably, people who care about you; invitations and announcements were sent so you could share their happiest moments, not as solicitations for "stuff." If you accept that premise, I would advise a card or note with a simple statement that due to hectic circumstances, you were unable to sent a gift at the time, but you have been thinking of them. Now that things are a little more under control, you hope they will enjoy this (gift certificate, object d'art, whatever).

Focus on looking ahead! Let them know

BIG TIPS

I could just try to ignore the bad feeling, and try to keep up from now on, but that's like making the bed over a pile of dirty laundry. The bed looks lumpy and it's stinky. So I did what every anxiety-stricken advice columnist does when she's in need: I called my go-to gal, the queen of both graciousness and practicality: my mom. She said she wanted a few minutes to mull over the situation, so she e-mailed me her reply:

Dear Mary,

You inquired how to best "catch up" in acknowledging the very special events in the lives of loved ones which occurred during your financially tough times. Do you just let it go and feel bad? Do you send a late gift? I think that the important consideration is not time or money, but the relationship.

Those people you are thinking about

you are interested in maintaining a relationship with them-provide e-mail info, ask for picture of the little one, etc. Put yourself in the other's place and remember how much you love to hear from someone after a long time!

Love, Mom

Excellent advice! I already knew that this was what I should and probably would do, but I needed

the sanction of an etiquette-sensitive type. Now

I just need to get all those cards and gifts off before the next family funeral, so I don't have to skulk around behind the flower arrangements.

Dear Big Tipper,

I've missed your previous posts regarding your search for a sperm donor so when I came across your column today, I read it quickly to the end hoping for a happy outcome-which it seems that you and yours are well on the way to; just not quite there yet.

I'm relieved that you and yours have decided to research sperm banks. My wife and I lived in Los Angeles nine years ago when we decided to use the California Cryobank, Inc. (http://206.117.149.143/

Serving Northeast Ohio Karen R. Schneiderman

ATTORNEY AT LAW

index2.cfm). It may have been the most important decision that we ever made.

Although nothing in life is guaranteed 100%, sperm banks, at least, remove the legal uncertainty that the sperm donor will ever become a former-gay-male-now-fundamentalist-right-wing-Christian on a crusade to get his flesh and blood child back ten years after the fact. Because, in life, the strangest things can happen.

The sperm bank, effectively, removes all rights of ownership of the sperm from the donor and presents the ownership solely to you, the contracted buyer. Additionally, as much as we want to believe in the honesty of others, there is nothing as good as medical testing to ensure that the sperm (and the donor) are free from HIV and other traumatic diseases. The California Cryobank uses a six month window for sperm collection, testing of the sample, and retesting of the donor before the semen is ever released.

Now, even before you go out and buy donor sperm, have you and yours made the necessary commitment to have a physical? Have you and yours been seen by a doctor specializing in fertility? There are so many different health care issues to consider. For example, it's wise to know the condition of your fallopian tubes because many women waste several months trying to get pregnant only to discover that they can't conceive because their tubes are blocked. A simple procedure using air to clear the tubes is sometimes needed.

Have you and yours been tracking your daily basal temperature to determine ovulation? If you are going to FedEx expensive donor sperm then it will keep your costs

down if you know exactly when it is each month that you are ovulating.

I ask all of these intrusive questions because I'm not a regular reader of your newspaper, so I haven't followed your path, and I remember all of the small details that aided my wife to conceive in three months. Yep, only three months. And each month only one vial of $150 donor sperm was used because she knew exactly when she was ovulating. We realize that not all will be as lucky to conceive in such a short time, but paying attention to all of the health-related details will speed up almost anyone's process and keep costs down.

Today our investment has appreciated exponentially. He has grown from a nine pound, seven ounce newborn into a fiftyfive pound boy who will celebrate his eighth birthday in August. His presence on this earth has completed our lives and we hope together that you and yours will have the same happiness to be fulfilled with a child.

Dear Successful Banker,

Happy Dad

Thanks for the good vibes and the paternal advice. Yeah, we've been tested up one side and down the other, and are temperature-taking fools, since those are some of the few things we can have some control over. Hey, and thanks for reading the paper!

Burning questions? Contact me at the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, or fax to 216631-1052, or e-mail to martone @drizzle.com.

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